Birth in a barren season

MY story

Let’s start from the beginning…

Ever since I can remember, my greatest dream and desire has been to be a mother. I declared it “my purpose in life” as early as eight years old. When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, a mother was always my answer. When other girls would dream of things like their wedding, I would dream of my future baby shower. I had this idea that my life would “begin” when I became a mom so to speak. When I entered into that season, I would finally be living the life I was created for. Looking back, I see how flawed this thinking was. I see that motherhood was an idol to me. But we will get into that later on…

When I met my husband, Ben, we talked about the life we wanted one day. I was completely and utterly enamored by the idea that we both wanted children as soon as possible and that our ideals were aligned in terms of parenting methods, amount of children, etc. After we got married, we made the decision to trust the Lord with his timing in expanding our family. We went the route of natural family planning. But we quickly changed our tune to no prevention of pregnancy with the hopes that we would fall pregnant. Many people have strong opinions about timelines for growing your family. For us, it seemed to make sense. There is so much noise around the topic of having children. Sometimes it feels like you're either having them “too early” or “too late”. It feels like you’re having “too many” or “not enough”. There’s this sort of pressure surrounding it. Whether that pressure is put on by the people around us, or by ourselves.

As husband and wife, we decided to start trying. Honestly, I was the one eager to have them. My husband wasn’t opposed whatsoever, but he was more relaxed with the timing. He would be fine either way. I on the other hand claimed to be fine either way it went… deep down, that was not the case. To be candid, I had this fear of not being able to conceive. For as long as I can remember, I had an irregular and long cycle. I didn’t want to wait all that time to start trying, only to find out that I was going to have a really hard time to anyway.

Spoiler Alert: Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The first month, negative test. Period came and went. I was sad, but not discouraged.

The second month, negative test. Period came and went. I was sad, and a little discouraged.

The third month was different, I was having nearly every pregnancy symptom in the book. Then, on Mother’s Day of 2022, I experienced something I never had before… spotting. Researching what this could mean, I concluded that it was implantation bleeding. Excited and convinced I was pregnant, we bought tests, and I may or may not have went to look at baby clothes. Only, as I went to take the pregnancy test, I bled a lot. Assuming it was my period, I was heartbroken and confused. (Later, I would find out that it was my first miscarriage).

It took my body 3 months to regulate again, so at that time, I thought I was pregnant again. My stomach was growing bigger, yet very firm. Nausea, tender breasts, cravings, exhaustion, and more, all convinced me that I must be pregnant. But, pregnancy test after pregnancy test denied it. By this time, taking a pregnancy test was triggering. I had been let down, crushed, and heartbroken more times than I could count.

The following months became very dark for me. I found myself angry. Angry at myself, angry at others, angry at pregnant women, angry at new moms, and most of all… angry at God. I prayed and prayed for God to give me the desires of my heart. I prayed and prayed for peace & comfort. I prayed for Him to hear me, to see me, to care. I felt so abandoned, so alone, so ripped off. I completely shut myself down and numbed myself. I shut myself down from feeling anything. I shut my heart off from my husband, driving a wedge in our relationship. I caused my husband to feel as though he couldn’t make me happy. there was no point in trying, because I was miserable no matter what. I shut myself off from myself. I numbed myself down, not wanting to feel the pain, I caused myself to feel nothing at all. I was angry with my body, I felt betrayed. I shut myself off from God, I didn’t trust him and I didn’t feel loved or known by Him. I had little to no relationship with Him at this time. I was a walking, talking shell of a person. But, God kept tugging at my heart. He continued to knock, He continued to show up, He continued to love me.

I started to heal. I tried shifting my focus to other things, to take the pressure off. I started to pray and declared health over my body and womb. I fought against the enemy’s attacks. I prayed earnestly many times a day to become a mother. Then, my husband had a dream that told him I was pregnant with a baby boy. I was beyond excited and anxious to take a test, and when I did, the faintest positive appeared. "Finally, the Lord answered my prayers!” I thought. Immediately, I began making a baby registry, shopping for baby clothes, and writing little notes in a journal for our unborn baby. I felt as though all the pain I endured brought me here. I felt seen by the Lord. I felt like God cared for me. I finally had hope. And then… the worst happened again.

Another miscarriage.

After this, I lost my sh*t. This all left me feeling so out of control, so distrustful, so abandoned, that I began to crave control more than anything. I tried controlling every detail and every situation. Life became so serious, so dark. I no longer knew how to be light-hearted, fun, or free. Our marriage struggled, a lot. I didn’t let anyone in, not even my husband. I cared way too much about everything, while also somehow not caring about anything at all. I was lost. I’ll be the first to admit that I did not handle it well at all, though I did the best I knew how to. It was a complete repeat of the previous one, only amplified. More anger. More bitterness. More hurt. More heartbreak. More loss. More loneliness. More fear. And more of a wedge in my marriage. Instead of leaning on my husband for support, which he did want to give me, I pushed him away. I put my walls up to everyone, including my husband and God. Angrier than ever at my own body and at God.

It honestly felt like my life was falling apart. All my hopes and dreams were shattered. I wasn’t going to be a mom, and on top of that, our marriage was shaken so much that I worried we wouldn’t be able to recover. I was faced with the fear of losing my husband. To be brutally transparent, my husband and I were both so unhappy that we talked about divorce. Almost a year into marriage and already talking about divorce? Wow. That was a hard pill to swallow. But this is the truth, though it’s ugly and messy, it’s life. I don’t want to sugarcoat anything. My world was wrecked during this time.

But this is when I learned about the beauty of surrender.

Surrendering was something I never even knew what it truly meant, let alone how to do it. I didn’t understand it, because I never truly have done it, at least not for a long time. I had been gripping onto the things of my life so tightly, I had nail marks in the palms of my hands. I tried desperately to control, because I felt so wildly out of control. But now, I was left with nothing. I was emptied. For the first time, I let go. I let go of expectations, hopes, and dreams. I was fully open-handed. I came to the Father with nothing and I laid it at His feet.

God asked me, “Am I enough?” Of course, I said. But really, when everything was stripped away — my dreams, my future, my security, my pregnancy, my baby, my husband, my marriage, my job, my community, my ego, my home... 

When I have nothing else, is Jesus enough? 

Before, I think my honest answer would have been no (though I wouldn’t have admitted it). I came empty and surrendered everything at his feet. I praised him, not to get anything, but because HE is worthy! I dove into His Word, and I read about His mighty power and His mighty love. I was wrecked by the Holy Spirit. He put to death so much of my sinful nature and replaced it with a bigger understanding of who He is. He completely captured my heart. I fell in love with Jesus. Rather than running, I bowed.

Suddenly, I realized my “purpose” isn’t to be a mom - it is so much bigger. My purpose is to glorify and honor God. Suddenly, my priorities were reordered the proper way. God first. He showed me and spoke to me over and over that even when all else around me is crumbling and stripped away, I can be filled, joyful, and unshaken in the hope of Jesus. That even if I have nothing else, I have Jesus, and that is enough. That I don’t have a relationship with God to get anything, but because he is worthy of it all. In that moment I declared to the enemy, that he can steal, kill, and destroy anything and everything I have, but he can NEVER separate me from God’s love. He can never take my relationship with Jesus. I declared that if he wanted to destroy my marriage and pregnancy, he could, but nothing he could take from me would separate me from the love of my Heavenly Father or keep me from pursuing God’s will and God’s heart. Suddenly, the attacks seized. Praise God!

I saw things in a new way. Before I had felt like God hadn’t seen me. But HE revealed that he didn’t let me go through all of that because he didn’t care, it wasn’t because he didn’t see me either. No. Rather, the opposite was true. He allowed me to go through that because he cares so deeply for me and my heart. He loves me so much that he broke his own heart watching mine break. He broke his own heart so that my heart could be TRULY safe, and that is with him. He let me break so that he could rebuild me on a firm foundation, one that can’t be shaken. He bottled every one of my tears and he wept with me. I denied him, I turned my face from him, I resented him. But he kept pursuing me. Not once was I out of his sight. I did nothing to deserve that kind of love. That’s the beauty of who He is.

In my barren season, God birthed something new in me.

I don’t know what is next for us on this path, but I do know that I am seen and loved by a good, good father. I know he has a plan. I know he sees me. And I know that my trust is safe in him.

I do believe God will fulfill the dream he placed in my heart a long time ago to become a mother.

But now it’s just that, a dream, not an idol. And even if he never does, He is still good and He is still enough to satisfy my soul.

I now know where my hope and confidence is - in Jesus. I now know that he is my rock. I now know that the God of heaven and earth is fighting on my behalf and that the battle is already won.

Love,

Jennifer

• *If you are struggling with pregnancy loss or infertility, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I don’t want you to think that this justifies or mitigates your pain, it doesn’t. You are seen, you are loved. It’s okay to feel, God weeps when you weep. He hears your prayers, he hears your cries. I pray for you. This is just sharing my journey and what God has spoken to me during the pain I’ve gone through. *

KEY VERSES:

• Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or painful the old order of things has passed away.”

• John 14:18 “No, I will not abandon you as orphans — I will come to to you.”

• Matthew 11:28 “Then Jesus said, ‘Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.’”

• Romans 8:18 “Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.”

• Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”